The circle of life

Just another of life’s cruel jokes if you ask me. Last night I had to perform a task that should never be asked of a mother. I had to hold my son down while a doctor stuck a needle into his spine. Well I didn’t have to, I was given a choice.  To stand outside and listen while my baby screamed or to be the one thing he sees while he is being slowly tortured. I chose be with him. Of course. I’m his mother. If he’s going to be subjected to pain I’m going to be right there beside him. I was warned though, “it will be upsetting”. You think?

I have two very distinct memories of my life where I have felt fear like none other. The first was when I was barely eight and my baby brother had his immunisations while I sat outside the doctor’s office and listened. I still remember how badly I wanted to break open the door and take him away from them all. To this day I cannot stand the process and need a few stiff drinks to get me through it. Although I still choose for it to be me that does it. Better the Devil you know right.

The second was the birth of my daughter, born so tiny and feeble she didn’t breathe for two hours. Well it felt like that. I have never asked exactly how long it was, honestly I don’t want to know. Bad enough I had to live through it. My husband and I held each other so tight we could barely snatch a breath ourselves as we each privately begged God to save our child. He has since become an atheist (Mossy not God clearly) and I often question him, would he do the same again and is there a debt floating out there as yet unpaid?

Last night is another chest of memories I will try and chain closed without success. From experience they will fade and disturb me less and less with time, never to completely disappear. For now they are all I see whenever I stop for a second or close my eyes.

I do know this though. Whoever’s idea it is to play the theme from The Lion King again and again while they embark on these procedures, either has a cruel sense of humour or no kids. I also know that Ari’s favourite movie will never again be watched while I or The King are in the house.

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